If it isn’t enough to have to think of alcohol, chocolate and work as addictive (not to mention drugs!), now sex?!  How tiresome to be examining everything in your life for possible abuse. But the truth of the matter is, if you’re having sex MORE, and enjoying it LESS, you may well have a problem. As you read this article, please keep in mind that compulsive is the operative word. Sex addicts engage in many of the same activities that non-addicts engage in, the difference is that the addicts engage in those activities compulsively.  

During sexual behavior, neuro-chemical changes take place in the body, which is both very pleasurable and mood altering. The sex addict becomes addicted to the effects of those changes. That all sounds relatively harmless, doesn’t it? We all enjoy sex. The difference with an addict is that she/he uses the feelings as a crutch, a panacea for all of her/his problems, much as the more widely recognized substance abuser, e.g. a “crack” addict. Again, a sex addict engages in sexual behavior compulsively, to the extreme of not wanting to have sex, but unable to deny her/himself. 

Consider the life of George. He is a 36 year old married man with 2 children, ages 6 and 8. George and his wife, Sue, just celebrated their 13th wedding anniversary. George is a vice president at one of the local banks and in line for another promotion shortly. He and his family attend church on a regular basis and George volunteers as a scoutmaster for his sons’ Boy Scout troop. He also attends the boys’ sports activities on a regular basis. George loves to spend time with his family and wants his sons to grow up with supportive parents, in a “normal” household. 

George himself was the youngest child of a two-parent household. His father, a cold, domineering man, was an over-the-road truck driver and seldom home. His mother worked long hours as a waitress, so much of the care giving fell on the children.  

When George’s father was home, his parents fought often and loudly. George’s older sisters usually escaped to their friends’ houses during these fights, leaving George alone in his room. Lonely and neglected, George began masturbating on a regular basis by the time that he was 7 years old. He found it easier to block out the loud, angry voices and fall asleep after a couple of ejaculations. When George was 10, his 15 year old cousin, Luke, came to visit. He introduced George to porno magazines and mutual masturbation. At summer’s end, when Luke returned home, he left his porn collection with George as a “reward” for not telling anyone about the secret activities. Thus, in George’s mind, pornography, sexual feelings and shame became forever linked. 

He continued his fascination with porn throughout his childhood and adolescence, not finding girls his age particularly interesting. When he became 21, George discovered strip bars and rapidly added that activity to his sexual repertoire. 

Although he and Sue dated for three years while attending the same college, Sue never discovered George’s secret preoccupation with porn magazines, strip bars and masturbation. She felt that their sex life was adequate (2-3 times per week), if unremarkable. 

In the meantime, as George’s financial base increased, so did his addictive lifestyle. In addition to the magazines, bars and masturbation, George also began patronizing prostitutes (both male and female) by the time that he was 30. Although Sue noticed a fluctuation in their marital activities, she attributed it to maturity and a long term relationship. 

The turning point in their lives came when George bought a home computer. He soon discovered the porn web sites (sometimes called the “crack cocaine” of sex addicts), and began using them to augment his other addictive behaviors. Within three months, however, George was regularly missing the boys’  extra curricular activities, resigned as scoutmaster and seldom went to church. Sexual activities with Sue increased to 6-7 times a  week. 

Once a reasonably happy, functioning man, George had digressed into a depressed, anxiety-ridden, emotionally unavailable man – just like his father. He resented time spent away from the house, and even began to resent his family being around, therefore preventing him from logging on to his favorite porn sites. After George was passed over for the expected promotion at work, then given a written reprimand for missing too much work, he decided to seek help. George called his family physician and made an appointment for a check-up. 

While sitting in his doctor’s waiting room, George’s eyes were drawn to a 3-page brochure about sexual addiction. Since he saw that he was indulging in many of the behaviors on the check-list, George took the self-test. He was astonished to discover that he could possibly be addicted to sex.  When he brought the subject up to his doctor, the doctor told him that he was just “highly sexed” and that he should be happy about it. But George was not convinced of the doctor’s opinion, and that evening called the telephone number on the brochure. 

George began attending 12 step meetings and eventually entered a 30-day intensive treatment program to deal with his addiction. He still attends 12 step meetings twice a week and considers himself in recovery. Having gained an understanding of his addiction and how to manage it, George has returned to living the life of his dreams – being a responsible husband and father, a valued employee, and having respect for himself. 

Can you relate to George’s story? Here are some of the signs that you might look for: 

• Having sex compulsively.

• Feelings of shame about your sexual behavior.

• Being abusive in sexual situations.

• Feeling that you’re living 2 lives – 1 respectable; 1 shameful.

• Using sex as a coping mechanism.

• Multiple affairs outside a committed relationship.

• Compulsive exhibitionism/voyeurism.

• Sexual abuse of children.

• Episodes of rape (assault and/or date).

If you feel that you need more information or want to investigate treatment options , please click on the links below and/or look in the white pages of your telephone book for  Alcoholics Anonymous (they will have the information to direct you to the appropriate group). Remember, addictions, if left untreated, are  always progressive.